Prior to becoming an astrologer myself, in my twenties one of my first astrology teachers remarked that my life would predominantly be about healing from the heart. This piece of information seemed to bounce along the surface of my awareness, for I hoped to steer far off that course by sheer will power.
This theme resurfaced again in my 40’s, when I heard a clear voice in my head as I shifted out of my body in the moment my car was hit from behind in a motor vehicle accident. From my new vantage point – somewhere above the scene, looking down at my limp body behind the wheel of my car – I became aware that I needed to make a choice. And
I had to make this choice in a matter of seconds.
A welcoming omnipresent voice, warm and radiant merged with me. Very clearly I heard “You have completed what you have set out to do, and you have done it perfectly. You are done with that commitment. We consider this an A+. You are complete.”
As I recall, there were no edges to my consciousness, and my reaction to this information was intensely passionate. The moment seemed timeless, and a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions raced through me in a second. I recall thinking, I still have a very long “To Do list.” In disbelief of the message I just heard, my heart responded: How
could I possibly be done? Was it not I who was in control of my life? Was that just an illusion? Who would take all of my responsibilities? I could think of no one. At that time my life seemed impossible; I was making it through my days by sheer determination. So I became vividly curious in that instant – if I really did deserve an A+ on my life to date, didn’t I have to stay alive long enough to feel complete? At least I should get to feel this A+ feeling!
But I did not feel it. I was a full time single mom of three very energetic boys aged 9, 11, and 13. I had just dropped them off at the local pool to swim. I was dashing back home for my swimsuit when the accident occurred.
The voice in my head replied to my whirlwind thoughts: “Your boys will be fine, they are well and you have given them everything they need to thrive. What would be your
reason for returning — this time?” I sensed my time for negotiating coming to a close so I quickly responded, “To witness and share in the joy of my children’s lives as they realize their dreams!” Instantly the voice began to diminish, as I had made my choice.
Somewhere in the distance I heard “You will also have to heal your body.” At that moment I didn’t see any blood on my body, so I thought, “How hard could it be to heal it?” As I was going to find out, it would not be easy.
I will never forget that sensation of returning into my body – it reminded me of the cartoon image of instantly turning into stone (by the process of concrete being poured down my central nervous system). I felt as if I was turning into stone.
This Began A Decade Of Healing.
Quite suddenly my consciousness returned to my body. My first awareness was of intense physical pain, and I heard a piercing scream. The primal sound of the cry was louder than any I had ever heard. It was days later when I realized that the scream I had heard was mine, as my vocal chords were very sore.
I convinced the ambulance paramedics not to take me to the hospital. I could stand and walk, but my head would not move. I drove myself to my chiropractor’s office and weakly asked for help. She surmised I was in shock. Having confidence in my self-awareness as a yoga teacher and healer, she sent me home, trusting I would know what to do next.
For two weeks, I was in a state of extreme shock. I knew, on some level, that most people in my condition would be in a hospital. I was very glad I wasn’t. I had no health insurance, so I needed to be careful with my limited resources. I was a gifted intuitive and had always relied on my inner guidance to steer me in the right direction. I was glad to have some time to assimilate the accident on my own terms and to determine an appropriate course of healing.
Interestingly, the accident happened exactly 2 years after the day that my former husband came home from work and announced he was leaving our family. Interpreting events from the soul’s perspective is my vocation as an astrologer. I could not ignore the profound spiritual message of this anniversary. It was time to move on and release the resentment I was carrying for my husband’s decision to leave. After all, I was a sought-after astrologer, often delivering spot-on assessments about the spiritual conflicts that resulted in physical illness and disease – think of this as the equivalent of a Master’s degree in medical astrology. I couldn’t help thinking to myself, “I have come through other serious traumas. Could this be so different?”
At the time, my daily life was off-the-charts stressful.
In addition to single parenting three boys, I was teaching 5 classes of yoga each week in my basement studio, operating my own accounting business (serving several small businesses), and working as a professional astrologer. Running on the adrenaline of the trauma, I attempted to continue all of these activities as I assimilated the near death experience. Gradually, over the next three weeks, my body began to lose life force. My energy waned and my immense fortitude was gone. Slowly, but surely, I began to lose functioning. Upon waking, my wrists were curled in tight ball. I had to peel my fingers open and massage my arms to stop the tingling. I woke up in the night unable to move my head in any direction. I would roll off my bed onto the floor and make my way on hands and knees then straighten my body to lift my head. Slowly, very slowly, I could loosen the clenched muscles enough to move, inch by painful inch. Some days, upon waking, I couldn’t walk. I would crawl to the bathroom and wait until blood flow returned to the affected areas, allowing me to move but also revitalizing the pain. Then I could move, but only very slowly.
The message of that omnipresent voice rang often through my mind, “You will have to heal your body.” Yeah, okay, I thought, my yoga classes should do it. So I continued teaching, even though it was very painful and grew more painful by the day.
Six months later, I was down to teaching just one class of yoga a week. My spine felt bruised all the way down. I began taking pain relief medication, which interfered with my intuitive abilities, so I decided to stop seeing astrological clients. Where had my clarity gone? I was unsure if it was due to the pain relief medication or to my herniated c6/c7 disc. Or was it the misaligned cervical spine to which I was now adjusting. None of my symptoms were consistent for more than a few days. This was very challenging; as soon as I began focusing on addressing a symptom, another one screamed out to
steal my focus. Through it all, my intuitive guidance was clear: “Do absolutely nothing.” My brain, however, replied “That’s absurd!”
I searched out healing practitioners as if I was contracting with sub contractors to fix different parts of my body. How much history did each practitioner really need? Was it really necessary to share all of the “woo woo” aspects of the accident and its aftereffects, or just the presenting symptoms? I went to over 17 doctors, healers, massage practitioners, neuromuscular therapists, and chiropractors of every kind – even to a top rated back surgeon at Harvard Medical School.
It was my training and educational approach to view the events from a metaphysical perspective. Receiving very little effective results from the allopathic medical
community nor from alternative healers, I knew I needed to stay positive and affirm that my body was healing. So I smiled through all of my doctors appointments, assuring them I could handle this. They all were amazed that I appeared to be managing so well. “Wow, they would say. You are doing everything right!” Most decided to cheer me on, rather than prescribe a course of treatment in their own discipline. However, I was living with so much pain that, inside, I secretly believed I was a failure. I struggled with admitting that I was in pain. I felt as if I had lost my way, and I felt no love from any direction. Recalling that my intuition had advised me to do nothing, I silently cried out “Oh, I would love to do absolutely nothing for a while!” But I couldn’t see how I could manage to do that.
Four years later, I waited three months to see a highly recommend back surgeon known for his work on herniated discs. I was sure he could help me end the complicated and painful symptoms throughout my body. He informed me that no one would perform disc surgery on this particular area of the spine, since it was so ‘nerve rich.’ The chance of complications was just too high.
His next suggestion was icing on the cake of my frustration, “Perhaps you could fly to Europe and investigate where someone is experimenting with surgeries on this particular region of the spine?” This seemed highly unlikely, as my income was nearing poverty level due to my lack of work and impossibly low energy level. And, who would care for my three teenage sons? Then he asked, “When are you not in pain?” To my surprise, what came out of my mouth was, “When I am loving.”
At my response, he abruptly closed his medical chart and cheerfully said “I cannot help you, you know what to do, and I wish all of my patients knew this.” And he left the room, leaving me with my jaw hanging open. But I did not fully understand the message then. I was confused, and this was not at all what I had wanted to hear.
Over the next several years, I reluctantly withdrew from much of my work – as a healer and yoga teacher – to come to my own yoga mat and to listen to my body’s teaching. I needed to listen to my body’s wisdom and learn to move according to a very different rhythm.
I truly wish that my experience of this healing odyssey had ended at this point. Much of my life did change. I now rose each morning, challenging myself to find – and to fully feel – the highest vibration of joy and compassion that I could imagine, both for myself and for others. I flowed with the river of life with greater ease, and began to experience life from the new perspective of a joyful heart.
What was utterly fascinating to discover was that when I had a negative thought pain would shoot down my spine. Even the slightest whine or complaint about the weather, the messy house, or the piling dishes caused pain. Whenever I wanted things to be different I experienced pain. I got the point. So, I surrendered. I cultivated acceptance and loving thoughts. This mindful practice was demanding. It required me to govern my thoughts. I learned to reduce my pain to nervous tension. And by choosing a higher vibrational thought I could calm the nervous system. Ah, hah! I was making headway now.
Then I learned an easier way to access this loving vibration in body It came from another part of my body, my heart. Emanating love from the heart became my healing practice.
Nine years after that car accident, I was riding to the store on a motor scooter when the throttle cable malfunctioned, instantly accelerating the scooter and sending me rocketing down the dirt road at 50 mph. A large pothole in the road rendered both the scooter and me airborne. I blacked out in midair but, this time, no voice spoke. My body slammed hard upon the earth. The scooter followed, landing on my leg.
In the ambulance I looked into the young paramedics eyes and said with all the force I could muster, “Please look at me and breathe with me. Make sure I stay breathing. I asked him if I could squeeze his hand. I Bless this man to this day. He was large and for this I was glad. I fervently gripped his arm as if I was clinging to life. His eye focus did not waver from mine and for this I am forever grateful. He directed his partner to give me the maximum medication allowed and then called the hospital for clearance for more.
I had sustained a tibial plateau fracture, broken ribs, and “inconclusive injuries” to my head, neck, and shoulders. But the six months I spent in a wheelchair and on crutches provided me ample time to “do nothing” – as my intuition had previously ordered me
to do – and I used the time to reflect upon my life.
I am still yielding, even as I write this, to the discomfort in my spine. I have moved into my heart, and I am still focusing on loving myself with every breath that I take. Sometimes, when I am successful at maintaining this vibration, I am utterly happy. Other days are a practice in patience, self loving, and humility.
I breathe in a new rhythm. On challenging days, I surrender even more to my breath. In my prayers, I ask to align with Gaia, our great mother Earth. I have moved to a home where I can hear the sound of the waves, reminding me, in each moment, that the earth is supporting me. I do not have to fix the earth. We can thrive in unison.
Today, I know that I am whole, even when I cannot point to a long ‘To Do’ list of completed tasks as ‘proof’ of my worthiness. I know that there is nothing wrong
with me. I am invited to celebrate this, in each moment. I know I can have all that I desire. Paradoxically, I can choose to be both free and supported. I can suspend any of my beliefs, and then choose never to pick them up again. I practice feeling the A+ that was granted me after my previous accident. I do not need permission from anyone save my soul to feel the A+. I can choose. I am well and I am love. I breathe and I cherish the breath.
I send my gratitude to all of the healers and loved ones who played roles in the story I am writing of my life, and send blessings to you, for reading and sharing in my experience.
Kerry Keegan is a spiritual consultant, podcaster and writer assisting others integrating our multidimensional experiences and high heart energies for our collective planetary awakening. Kitchen Table Ascension Podcast, Meditation Gifts.